So, my husband is deployed.  I've read a million blog posts about deployment and all the emotions and everything and yet it feels so surreal.  I keep having to remind myself that he isn't coming home in a few hours, he isn't going to be home this weekend, etc.  It's tough.  And I'm tired of faking it.  I definitely thought that I was prepared for the battle and I'm realizing I'm not.  And it sucks.

You know what?  They tell you that "the depression" sets in about the 3-4 week stage.  What they don't tell you is that "the depression" involves being ticked off at everything and everyone, that little things - like a burnt out lightbulb, in my case - make you cry, and that all you want is your husband home.  They don't tell you that you will know you have to work out, you will know that you need to eat, you'll know that you need to take care of yourself but all you want to do is curl up in a quilt and cry into your wedding photo album.  They don't tell you that you'll watch an entire TV season in one day because you can't stand to have the house quiet.

I can't imagine how much harder and easier it would be if I had kids.  It would suck because I would have to be strong for them; it would be easier because I would be busy taking care of them.  Right now, I've finished my class and I have zero distractions and that makes me mad.  I just want to be with my husband again.

I know that my deployment situation is NO where near as bad as other women's, I know that I really don't have it bad at all.  I know these things...but I don't care.  I don't care that you haven't seen your hubby in almost a year, I don't care that you haven't talked to him in two weeks, I don't care.  I know that sounds harsh, but I'm being honest.  I'm hurting and I'm so unhappy that I can't dig myself out of the hole that I feel like I'm in.  I'm not even any where close to any of my family so I literally feel like I'm all alone in the world.

It sucks.

But....

I have hope.  Tomorrow is another day closer to him being home.  Thursday marks us being into double-digits (finally!)  I get to talk to him (skype!) tonight and I get to see my family for the first time in like three weeks tomorrow.  And I am going home to my family for Christmas.  So even though I can't spend Christmas with my husband, I can spend it with my siblings, parents and my recently widowed grandfather.  And that will put it all back in perspective.  And when I get back to my house in the middle of no where in January, it will only be like 75 days until he gets home.

And, no matter what, through it all, I find myself growing closer to God.  I get mad at Him for separating us for a time but I know it's helping me to grow.  I know I need this chance to learn how to live by myself.  I thank God that He has given me this chance at the same time as I yell at Him for choosing now.  However, through it all, He is faithful.  He will always be with me and that's what's important.  Him.  Focusing on Him.

Since being married to Joshua, this blog has gone by the wayside.  It started out as a way for me to vent my emotions and share what was going on.  A method of journalling when I was in class and did not have access to my actual journal.  However, since being married, Josh and I talk for hours each night and he began to encourage me to actually journal.  He bought me many personalized journals, leather bound journals, etc.  In fact, he emphasized my journalling so much, it was almost suspect!

Regardless, I journal a lot now and, in fact, I tend to journal multiple times a day now and I have taken to journalling more emotion than events which, in all honesty, is better than what I had been doing.  And, Josh and I talk all day every day which makes for my whole life being much lower in stress.  We talk and I stress less.  It's a good marriage.

I may end up turning this blog into more of a "marriage" blog... I don't know.
It's going to be moving on from what it was though....


Josh and Karen
Do Justice, Love Kindness, Walk Humbly

Today is my birthday :)  Josh and I celebrated yesterday and my family is celebrating tomorrow when I get home for a week long visit.  It's been good!

Anyway, continuing on, I'm kinda nervous about going home.  Not that I don't want to be home - I love my family - but being away from Josh. I'm going to miss him so much. I'd almost rather stay here, sitting home alone waiting for him all day than go home.  Except home has a puppy ;)

We'll see.

Well, I'm married :)

A couple thoughts:

1) Bridezilla TV show.  I started watching the show about two weeks before my wedding.  And, honestly, I can't believe how selfish some of the girls are OR how selfish some of the bridesmaids are!!  I definitely agree with some of the brides that their bridesmaids are terrible but at the same time, I really can't sympathize with a lot of the brides.  They complain about having to do everything themselves and I'm like "woman, please, I'm the only one even in my wedding state!"  Sooo yeah.  And, I mean, I had problems with my bridesmaids too but it worked out...

2) The Wedding.  Our wedding was fantastic.  There was really only two things that didn't go properly (my bouquet wasn't right and we didn't have a pen to sign the marriage license) but they really weren't that terrible.  I think it all went really well at the end of the day and we're married.

3) Marriage.  Marriage is and isn't all that it's cracked up to be.  It's fun but a lot of give and take and a lot of working our way through issues...  But we're having fun :)

4) Unpacking.  Our apartment has been getting unpacked.  It's taking forever but I guess that's normal.  We have SO much stuff - or at least it feels like we do haha...  And we still have more stuff to bring into our house....ugh!  We'll figure it out, I know, but still...

It's been fun!  And I have Joshua with me to keep me happy :)

Only 8 weeks until my wedding!  It makes me very happy to know that I will be getting married in 55 days and from there, living with Joshua for 60 days before we start work.  Well, he'll be working the entire time, I'll be on vacation :)  Josh is currently really hoping he doesn't have SERE training while I am on my 60 days leave.  I agree.  I would really appreciate it if he were around and could take some leave with me while I'm on my leave.  We'll see though.  He should be getting his training dates sometime in the next week or two - absolutely no later than the 26th though - so 19 days or less!  And then we'll see.  This Friday, he gets his base which is exciting for me.  I hope he'll be going where I am so I don't have to fill out join-spouse paperwork...so there you go - we'll see.

I got a gel manicure almost two months ago and it damaged my nails so I am now suffering through trying to grow out terrible nails.  It's so frustrating since my wedding is in a little over a month.  If they haven't recovered by then, I'm going to have to get acrylics even though I want to just get shellac (which does very well on my nails).  I don't know.  It's just...frustrating.  Half my nail is still left to grow out.  I'm using a nail and cuticle conditioner at least once weekly if not more often to try and help them grow.  I am probably going to try to get a buffing block too so I can try to polish them into looking...somewhat decent.

Benefit to top off: my door can be shut permanently now.  Which is awesome.  That's going to be so exciting.  I am very happy about it...

Double-digits!  I'm in the double-digits until my wedding! :)  Wohoo!!  I am so excited to be moving forward and be almost at graduation as well..

Sadly, sequestration has made it such that the Thunderbirds will not be flying over at graduation.  Which is a highly depressing thought but I am trying not to think of it in those terms.  Yeah, it sucks that we don't get a flyover but at least I can potentially leave USAFA sooner in the day.  When most grads can't leave until 4 or 5pm, 2013ers can probably leave around 1pm!  So that's a benefit.  Less time just standing around waiting :)

School is going well.  Only 21 lessons left until the end of the semester and the end of my undergraduate career.

But seriously...I'm marrying Joshua in about 90 days.  Only 3 months until I can forever have sleepovers with my best friend.  I can't wait!

I wasn't able to post for a while since for some reason the internet kept giving me an SSL Error.

Anyway, I am only 127 days away from graduation and am only 130 days from my wedding.  I am very excited and everything seems to be coming together well for the events.

I have been working out lately which has been getting more fun.  When you don't suck, it's actually kinda enjoyable...

I really don't have anything to write...