So, my husband is deployed.  I've read a million blog posts about deployment and all the emotions and everything and yet it feels so surreal.  I keep having to remind myself that he isn't coming home in a few hours, he isn't going to be home this weekend, etc.  It's tough.  And I'm tired of faking it.  I definitely thought that I was prepared for the battle and I'm realizing I'm not.  And it sucks.

You know what?  They tell you that "the depression" sets in about the 3-4 week stage.  What they don't tell you is that "the depression" involves being ticked off at everything and everyone, that little things - like a burnt out lightbulb, in my case - make you cry, and that all you want is your husband home.  They don't tell you that you will know you have to work out, you will know that you need to eat, you'll know that you need to take care of yourself but all you want to do is curl up in a quilt and cry into your wedding photo album.  They don't tell you that you'll watch an entire TV season in one day because you can't stand to have the house quiet.

I can't imagine how much harder and easier it would be if I had kids.  It would suck because I would have to be strong for them; it would be easier because I would be busy taking care of them.  Right now, I've finished my class and I have zero distractions and that makes me mad.  I just want to be with my husband again.

I know that my deployment situation is NO where near as bad as other women's, I know that I really don't have it bad at all.  I know these things...but I don't care.  I don't care that you haven't seen your hubby in almost a year, I don't care that you haven't talked to him in two weeks, I don't care.  I know that sounds harsh, but I'm being honest.  I'm hurting and I'm so unhappy that I can't dig myself out of the hole that I feel like I'm in.  I'm not even any where close to any of my family so I literally feel like I'm all alone in the world.

It sucks.

But....

I have hope.  Tomorrow is another day closer to him being home.  Thursday marks us being into double-digits (finally!)  I get to talk to him (skype!) tonight and I get to see my family for the first time in like three weeks tomorrow.  And I am going home to my family for Christmas.  So even though I can't spend Christmas with my husband, I can spend it with my siblings, parents and my recently widowed grandfather.  And that will put it all back in perspective.  And when I get back to my house in the middle of no where in January, it will only be like 75 days until he gets home.

And, no matter what, through it all, I find myself growing closer to God.  I get mad at Him for separating us for a time but I know it's helping me to grow.  I know I need this chance to learn how to live by myself.  I thank God that He has given me this chance at the same time as I yell at Him for choosing now.  However, through it all, He is faithful.  He will always be with me and that's what's important.  Him.  Focusing on Him.

Since being married to Joshua, this blog has gone by the wayside.  It started out as a way for me to vent my emotions and share what was going on.  A method of journalling when I was in class and did not have access to my actual journal.  However, since being married, Josh and I talk for hours each night and he began to encourage me to actually journal.  He bought me many personalized journals, leather bound journals, etc.  In fact, he emphasized my journalling so much, it was almost suspect!

Regardless, I journal a lot now and, in fact, I tend to journal multiple times a day now and I have taken to journalling more emotion than events which, in all honesty, is better than what I had been doing.  And, Josh and I talk all day every day which makes for my whole life being much lower in stress.  We talk and I stress less.  It's a good marriage.

I may end up turning this blog into more of a "marriage" blog... I don't know.
It's going to be moving on from what it was though....


Josh and Karen
Do Justice, Love Kindness, Walk Humbly

Today is my birthday :)  Josh and I celebrated yesterday and my family is celebrating tomorrow when I get home for a week long visit.  It's been good!

Anyway, continuing on, I'm kinda nervous about going home.  Not that I don't want to be home - I love my family - but being away from Josh. I'm going to miss him so much. I'd almost rather stay here, sitting home alone waiting for him all day than go home.  Except home has a puppy ;)

We'll see.

Well, I'm married :)

A couple thoughts:

1) Bridezilla TV show.  I started watching the show about two weeks before my wedding.  And, honestly, I can't believe how selfish some of the girls are OR how selfish some of the bridesmaids are!!  I definitely agree with some of the brides that their bridesmaids are terrible but at the same time, I really can't sympathize with a lot of the brides.  They complain about having to do everything themselves and I'm like "woman, please, I'm the only one even in my wedding state!"  Sooo yeah.  And, I mean, I had problems with my bridesmaids too but it worked out...

2) The Wedding.  Our wedding was fantastic.  There was really only two things that didn't go properly (my bouquet wasn't right and we didn't have a pen to sign the marriage license) but they really weren't that terrible.  I think it all went really well at the end of the day and we're married.

3) Marriage.  Marriage is and isn't all that it's cracked up to be.  It's fun but a lot of give and take and a lot of working our way through issues...  But we're having fun :)

4) Unpacking.  Our apartment has been getting unpacked.  It's taking forever but I guess that's normal.  We have SO much stuff - or at least it feels like we do haha...  And we still have more stuff to bring into our house....ugh!  We'll figure it out, I know, but still...

It's been fun!  And I have Joshua with me to keep me happy :)

Only 8 weeks until my wedding!  It makes me very happy to know that I will be getting married in 55 days and from there, living with Joshua for 60 days before we start work.  Well, he'll be working the entire time, I'll be on vacation :)  Josh is currently really hoping he doesn't have SERE training while I am on my 60 days leave.  I agree.  I would really appreciate it if he were around and could take some leave with me while I'm on my leave.  We'll see though.  He should be getting his training dates sometime in the next week or two - absolutely no later than the 26th though - so 19 days or less!  And then we'll see.  This Friday, he gets his base which is exciting for me.  I hope he'll be going where I am so I don't have to fill out join-spouse paperwork...so there you go - we'll see.

I got a gel manicure almost two months ago and it damaged my nails so I am now suffering through trying to grow out terrible nails.  It's so frustrating since my wedding is in a little over a month.  If they haven't recovered by then, I'm going to have to get acrylics even though I want to just get shellac (which does very well on my nails).  I don't know.  It's just...frustrating.  Half my nail is still left to grow out.  I'm using a nail and cuticle conditioner at least once weekly if not more often to try and help them grow.  I am probably going to try to get a buffing block too so I can try to polish them into looking...somewhat decent.

Benefit to top off: my door can be shut permanently now.  Which is awesome.  That's going to be so exciting.  I am very happy about it...

Double-digits!  I'm in the double-digits until my wedding! :)  Wohoo!!  I am so excited to be moving forward and be almost at graduation as well..

Sadly, sequestration has made it such that the Thunderbirds will not be flying over at graduation.  Which is a highly depressing thought but I am trying not to think of it in those terms.  Yeah, it sucks that we don't get a flyover but at least I can potentially leave USAFA sooner in the day.  When most grads can't leave until 4 or 5pm, 2013ers can probably leave around 1pm!  So that's a benefit.  Less time just standing around waiting :)

School is going well.  Only 21 lessons left until the end of the semester and the end of my undergraduate career.

But seriously...I'm marrying Joshua in about 90 days.  Only 3 months until I can forever have sleepovers with my best friend.  I can't wait!

I wasn't able to post for a while since for some reason the internet kept giving me an SSL Error.

Anyway, I am only 127 days away from graduation and am only 130 days from my wedding.  I am very excited and everything seems to be coming together well for the events.

I have been working out lately which has been getting more fun.  When you don't suck, it's actually kinda enjoyable...

I really don't have anything to write...

I am so glad this semester is over!  It was such a long, brutal semester and I am thankful to finally be done.

At home now and I am going through all the boxes in my room deciding what I want to keep and what I will throw out.  There are a lot of memories in the random stuff but I am moving on.  I no longer need to have memories of 9th grade National Science Olympiads.  I am getting married and moving into a new stage of my life.  I'll keep the trophies but I no longer need the t-shirts that I competed in.  That sort of thing.  Lots of clothes I no longer wear which I let Allison rifle through before I take them to Goodwill.

AND!  I had my violin repaired today (which is awesome!) so I've been practicing.  I've played for an hour already and will probably play for another hour or two.  It feels so good to have my violin in my hands again.  Brings back so many memories and I love playing.  Makes me so happy :)

I am going home in five days.  Three more days of school, a day of study, a final exam and I board an airplane to come home.  I am pretty excited about that.  Plus, I get to see Josh in 17 days.  Little things.  It's the little things.

Four day week and then I get to see Joshua!  That makes my life so much better :)

Things Due This Week:
13 Nov: Capstone, Biology, CE, 440 GR, PPC appt, Wingman Day
14 Nov: ACES, MSS
15 Nov: Capstone, Biology, PE Lesson 1, Safety Briefing
16 Nov: K-4 Due, 460 project time, Aero, MSS Current Event presentation
17 Nov: LEAVE!!!!

I am sooooo excited!!  My mom said she'd take out her wedding dress and veil so I could potentially have them for my wedding (veil and tiara really) and I am going to take Joshua to the shop where we may get bridesmaid dresses so he can see those and it'll be amazing.

Four days!! Only 115 hours exactly :)

Phew.  Wedding plans are finally getting finalized.

Ceremony location - check
Ceremony organist - check
Ceremony officiant - check
Reception location - check
Reception caterer - check
Florist - check
DJ - check
Cake maker/decorator - check
Dress - check
Shoes - check
Registry - check

Things left to do:
Bridesmaid dresses
Wedding veil
Wedding hair stylist
Wedding makeup
Reception music (first dance, father/daughter dance, etc)
Purchase favor bags and contents
Purchase invites and programs
EDIT: Choose cake design

It's rather upsetting to know that I am so addicted to Joshua that I cannot function without having him around or knowing what he is doing.  I feel so sad when he isn't around and we can't talk or whatever...  He's been on leave since Thursday and goes back on Monday.  Because he's been gone though, we haven't been able to video chat since Wednesday night.  We still talk but I miss seeing his face and getting to see his smile as we discuss our day.  It's just not the same over the phone.

So apparently his sister is engaged but not engaged.  In other words, they've set a date for their wedding but they aren't actually engaged because they don't want to steal the limelight from Josh and I.  Which I kinda get but think is very silly.  Unless they're getting married like a year after Josh and I, we're going to be sharing the limelight together.  That's just the way it is.  I guess I'm lucky in that I don't have to worry about that considering none of my siblings are "on the market," as it were.  Susan won't get married until she finishes medical school (2015), Adrian (if he goes to USNA) can't get married until 2017, Allison doesn't graduate high school until 2014 and probably won't marry until after college...and Ian, Ian graduates high school in 2016.  Which means none of my siblings will be getting married until probably at least two years after me.  I guess I'm lucky in that way.

I completely restarted my wedding planning.  Same date, time, location, etc but I decided that I didn't like trying to do what other people wanted and am trying to do what I want instead.  That means that I have been     starting over with wedding plans working on a proper theme that I really like.  And here it is: a forest.  Our colors are blue, green and purple - like sage (or mint), sky blue and lavender.  I want it to invoke a peaceful forest meadow with trees and a cloudless sky.  With small purple flowers poking out amongst the mosses at the roots of the trees.

And that's the way it is.

I miss Josh.  11 days.

I miss Joshua so much.  There are many times when I really just want someone to talk to, someone to hug, someone to snuggle with, etc and he's not around.  When I want to go drinking, he's not here.  When I want to get coffee, he's not here.  When I want to go driving, he's not here.  When I want to go to the mall in Lone Tree, he's not here.  When I want to sleep in on the weekends, he's not here.  When I want to stay in bed on cold, snowy days with hot chocolate and a book, he's not here.  When I want to watch romances, he's not here.  When I want to watch action movies, he's not here.  When I want to kiss someone, he's not here.

He's not here.

Having to be away from him is terrible.  I don't know how I will survive when he deploys if I can barely manage when we're separated for the ten weeks it has been so far.  It will have been 13 weeks when I see him again.  It's amazing to know I'll see him in three weeks but it's just difficult having to be away from him.

I just want him here with me.

Soon.

I graduate in 254 days which means in 257 days, I will be his wife.

So, I have changed a lot of my bridesmaid plans, etc. within the past little while in an effort to get back to what I really want my wedding to look like.  I seem to play around with other people's ideas until I can't stand it any longer and then I revolt and go back to what I originally wanted anyway.  But at least then I can say I tried their idea ;)  Brilliant, right?

So here's the deal.  First, it was marine blue, gold and silver.  Then it was black, gold and silver.  Then it was green and silver and black.  And now it's back to black.  Although it might end up a charcoal grey, which I would be okay with.  The idea now is that instead of having colored sashes, I will have the bridesmaids all with a very brightly colored bouquet of a different color which matches their shoes which matches the groomsmen's ties/vests.  (I am not sure if I want them in vests or not yet).  I think it looks really nice and will meet my mom's desire for color and my desire for bridesmaids in black...sort of.

And we're finally getting catering almost finalized.  Josh and I just have to make a few more decisions on appetizers and I think we'll be good/ready to go.  It's kinda nice to know it's almost all done since it's so incredibly stressful and takes so long to figure out...  And, the cool thing is that I'm thinking I will make my bridesmaids' bouquets out of artificial flowers so they can keep them as a keepsake (I'll get them all diamond charms or something as well) which will cut down on costs a lot too!  If I only need one bouquet, plus corsages and boutonnieres...that'd be pretty awesome. :)  I am touching base with the florist in December and then again in March to finalize plans, etc.

Anyway, that's all the wedding stuff that's been going on.  Josh is doing well at UPT.  He had a formation solo the other day and has been getting caught up on flights after being down for half a week for weather and a week with a viral infection.  He's finally ready to get back in action.  I'm so proud of him - and it's only 50 days until I see him again :)

The song "Jesus, Friend of Sinners" has been speaking me to a lot lately.  For some reason, Casting Crowns always seems to know exactly what I need to hear...  Anyway, here are the lyrics and a link to the youtube video.  I recommend it to everyone. :)

http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=KZGWKLNX

Jesus, friend of sinners, we have strayed so far away
We cut down people in your name but the sword was never ours to swing
Jesus, friend of sinners, the truth's become so hard to see
The world is on their way to You but they're tripping over me
Always looking around but never looking up I'm so double minded
A plank eyed saint with dirty hands and a heart divided

Oh Jesus, friend of sinners
Open our eyes to the world at the end of our pointing fingers
Let our hearts be led by mercy
Help us reach with open hearts and open doors
Oh Jesus, friend of sinners, break our hearts for what breaks yours

Yeah...

Jesus, friend of sinners, the one who's writing in the sand
Made the righteous turn away and the stones fall from their hands
Help us to remember we are all the least of these
Let the memory of Your mercy bring Your people to their knees
Nobody knows what we're for only what we're against when we judge the wounded
What if we put down our signs crossed over the lines and loved like You did

Oh Jesus, friend of sinners
Open our eyes to world at the end of our pointing fingers
Let our hearts be led by mercy
Help us reach with open hearts and open doors
Oh Jesus, friend of sinners, break our hearts for what breaks yours

You love every lost cause; you reach for the outcast
For the leper and the lame; they're the reason that You came
Lord I was that lost cause and I was the outcast
But you died for sinners just like me, a grateful leper at Your feet

'Cause You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever
You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever
You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever
You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever

Oh Jesus, friend of sinners
Open our eyes to world at the end of our pointing fingers
Let our hearts be led by mercy
Help us reach with open hearts and open doors
Oh Jesus, friend of sinners, break our hearts for what breaks Yours

And I was the lost cause and I was the outcast
Yeah...
You died for sinners just like me, a grateful leper at Your feet

I haven't been blogging much lately because I started journalling again and as much as I love writing everything twice, it was getting kind of meh.  So that's why I haven't been as consistent.

I've been trying to find Save the Dates, Invites and a first dance song for Josh and I.  It's been a very long, interesting time.  I am pretty sure I have the invites I want and everything so that makes me happy :)  And now I'm just trying to find a first dance song...

Soooo....a friend of mine got engaged and was showing off her ring the other day.  Being engaged myself, I asked to see her ring.  It was kinda....yellowish and really didn't sparkle much at all, despite the fact that it was 1.5carats.  I looked at it and very smugly said, "Oh, that's nice. would you like to see mine?"  And then I proceeded to wave my far superior, sparkly ring in her face.

And I didn't feel bad about it at all ;)

I love my ring.

I love my future husband :)

Oh. My. Freaking. Gosh.

I'M ENGAGED!!!!

You can read all the glorious details here:
johnsonchinnery.ourwedding.com

I am soooo happy!!

I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!


I'm only a little excited...

So I definitely thought I would end up on academic probation this semester but somehow didn't!  My only concern is that my major's gpa is low (1.99) and I don't want to get kicked out of my major.  I think that as long as I bring it back up, I should be good - but I just pray they give me at least another half a semester to prove that I am academically capable of completing the material.  I think that I'll be fine but...who knows?  It's USAFA after all haha...

Josh comes out in three days and I am so excited to see him.  I have't seen him (or rather, won't have seen him) in seven weeks when he gets here.  AND it's for my Ring Dance!  So I'll be getting my class ring, seeing the love of my life, and we're going to go look at some wedding venues.  I am really, really excited to be with him again.  I mean, we can talk over Skype and Oovoo but it's not the same, at all.  There's something so unreal about that which makes me desire actual face-to-face contact and communication.

He said he wrote me a letter - it should be here today if he sent it on Thursday so I should probably go check my mail to see where it is and if it has arrived yet.  Like I said, I'm sure it has but who knows?

Trying to find the perfect smoky eye makeup tutorial to follow for Friday when I'm getting all made up for Ring Dance.  I am soooo excited!!!

Josh is here in three days!!!