I am so glad this semester is over!  It was such a long, brutal semester and I am thankful to finally be done.

At home now and I am going through all the boxes in my room deciding what I want to keep and what I will throw out.  There are a lot of memories in the random stuff but I am moving on.  I no longer need to have memories of 9th grade National Science Olympiads.  I am getting married and moving into a new stage of my life.  I'll keep the trophies but I no longer need the t-shirts that I competed in.  That sort of thing.  Lots of clothes I no longer wear which I let Allison rifle through before I take them to Goodwill.

AND!  I had my violin repaired today (which is awesome!) so I've been practicing.  I've played for an hour already and will probably play for another hour or two.  It feels so good to have my violin in my hands again.  Brings back so many memories and I love playing.  Makes me so happy :)

I am going home in five days.  Three more days of school, a day of study, a final exam and I board an airplane to come home.  I am pretty excited about that.  Plus, I get to see Josh in 17 days.  Little things.  It's the little things.

Four day week and then I get to see Joshua!  That makes my life so much better :)

Things Due This Week:
13 Nov: Capstone, Biology, CE, 440 GR, PPC appt, Wingman Day
14 Nov: ACES, MSS
15 Nov: Capstone, Biology, PE Lesson 1, Safety Briefing
16 Nov: K-4 Due, 460 project time, Aero, MSS Current Event presentation
17 Nov: LEAVE!!!!

I am sooooo excited!!  My mom said she'd take out her wedding dress and veil so I could potentially have them for my wedding (veil and tiara really) and I am going to take Joshua to the shop where we may get bridesmaid dresses so he can see those and it'll be amazing.

Four days!! Only 115 hours exactly :)

Phew.  Wedding plans are finally getting finalized.

Ceremony location - check
Ceremony organist - check
Ceremony officiant - check
Reception location - check
Reception caterer - check
Florist - check
DJ - check
Cake maker/decorator - check
Dress - check
Shoes - check
Registry - check

Things left to do:
Bridesmaid dresses
Wedding veil
Wedding hair stylist
Wedding makeup
Reception music (first dance, father/daughter dance, etc)
Purchase favor bags and contents
Purchase invites and programs
EDIT: Choose cake design

It's rather upsetting to know that I am so addicted to Joshua that I cannot function without having him around or knowing what he is doing.  I feel so sad when he isn't around and we can't talk or whatever...  He's been on leave since Thursday and goes back on Monday.  Because he's been gone though, we haven't been able to video chat since Wednesday night.  We still talk but I miss seeing his face and getting to see his smile as we discuss our day.  It's just not the same over the phone.

So apparently his sister is engaged but not engaged.  In other words, they've set a date for their wedding but they aren't actually engaged because they don't want to steal the limelight from Josh and I.  Which I kinda get but think is very silly.  Unless they're getting married like a year after Josh and I, we're going to be sharing the limelight together.  That's just the way it is.  I guess I'm lucky in that I don't have to worry about that considering none of my siblings are "on the market," as it were.  Susan won't get married until she finishes medical school (2015), Adrian (if he goes to USNA) can't get married until 2017, Allison doesn't graduate high school until 2014 and probably won't marry until after college...and Ian, Ian graduates high school in 2016.  Which means none of my siblings will be getting married until probably at least two years after me.  I guess I'm lucky in that way.

I completely restarted my wedding planning.  Same date, time, location, etc but I decided that I didn't like trying to do what other people wanted and am trying to do what I want instead.  That means that I have been     starting over with wedding plans working on a proper theme that I really like.  And here it is: a forest.  Our colors are blue, green and purple - like sage (or mint), sky blue and lavender.  I want it to invoke a peaceful forest meadow with trees and a cloudless sky.  With small purple flowers poking out amongst the mosses at the roots of the trees.

And that's the way it is.

I miss Josh.  11 days.

I miss Joshua so much.  There are many times when I really just want someone to talk to, someone to hug, someone to snuggle with, etc and he's not around.  When I want to go drinking, he's not here.  When I want to get coffee, he's not here.  When I want to go driving, he's not here.  When I want to go to the mall in Lone Tree, he's not here.  When I want to sleep in on the weekends, he's not here.  When I want to stay in bed on cold, snowy days with hot chocolate and a book, he's not here.  When I want to watch romances, he's not here.  When I want to watch action movies, he's not here.  When I want to kiss someone, he's not here.

He's not here.

Having to be away from him is terrible.  I don't know how I will survive when he deploys if I can barely manage when we're separated for the ten weeks it has been so far.  It will have been 13 weeks when I see him again.  It's amazing to know I'll see him in three weeks but it's just difficult having to be away from him.

I just want him here with me.

Soon.

I graduate in 254 days which means in 257 days, I will be his wife.

So, I have changed a lot of my bridesmaid plans, etc. within the past little while in an effort to get back to what I really want my wedding to look like.  I seem to play around with other people's ideas until I can't stand it any longer and then I revolt and go back to what I originally wanted anyway.  But at least then I can say I tried their idea ;)  Brilliant, right?

So here's the deal.  First, it was marine blue, gold and silver.  Then it was black, gold and silver.  Then it was green and silver and black.  And now it's back to black.  Although it might end up a charcoal grey, which I would be okay with.  The idea now is that instead of having colored sashes, I will have the bridesmaids all with a very brightly colored bouquet of a different color which matches their shoes which matches the groomsmen's ties/vests.  (I am not sure if I want them in vests or not yet).  I think it looks really nice and will meet my mom's desire for color and my desire for bridesmaids in black...sort of.

And we're finally getting catering almost finalized.  Josh and I just have to make a few more decisions on appetizers and I think we'll be good/ready to go.  It's kinda nice to know it's almost all done since it's so incredibly stressful and takes so long to figure out...  And, the cool thing is that I'm thinking I will make my bridesmaids' bouquets out of artificial flowers so they can keep them as a keepsake (I'll get them all diamond charms or something as well) which will cut down on costs a lot too!  If I only need one bouquet, plus corsages and boutonnieres...that'd be pretty awesome. :)  I am touching base with the florist in December and then again in March to finalize plans, etc.

Anyway, that's all the wedding stuff that's been going on.  Josh is doing well at UPT.  He had a formation solo the other day and has been getting caught up on flights after being down for half a week for weather and a week with a viral infection.  He's finally ready to get back in action.  I'm so proud of him - and it's only 50 days until I see him again :)

The song "Jesus, Friend of Sinners" has been speaking me to a lot lately.  For some reason, Casting Crowns always seems to know exactly what I need to hear...  Anyway, here are the lyrics and a link to the youtube video.  I recommend it to everyone. :)

http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=KZGWKLNX

Jesus, friend of sinners, we have strayed so far away
We cut down people in your name but the sword was never ours to swing
Jesus, friend of sinners, the truth's become so hard to see
The world is on their way to You but they're tripping over me
Always looking around but never looking up I'm so double minded
A plank eyed saint with dirty hands and a heart divided

Oh Jesus, friend of sinners
Open our eyes to the world at the end of our pointing fingers
Let our hearts be led by mercy
Help us reach with open hearts and open doors
Oh Jesus, friend of sinners, break our hearts for what breaks yours

Yeah...

Jesus, friend of sinners, the one who's writing in the sand
Made the righteous turn away and the stones fall from their hands
Help us to remember we are all the least of these
Let the memory of Your mercy bring Your people to their knees
Nobody knows what we're for only what we're against when we judge the wounded
What if we put down our signs crossed over the lines and loved like You did

Oh Jesus, friend of sinners
Open our eyes to world at the end of our pointing fingers
Let our hearts be led by mercy
Help us reach with open hearts and open doors
Oh Jesus, friend of sinners, break our hearts for what breaks yours

You love every lost cause; you reach for the outcast
For the leper and the lame; they're the reason that You came
Lord I was that lost cause and I was the outcast
But you died for sinners just like me, a grateful leper at Your feet

'Cause You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever
You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever
You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever
You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever

Oh Jesus, friend of sinners
Open our eyes to world at the end of our pointing fingers
Let our hearts be led by mercy
Help us reach with open hearts and open doors
Oh Jesus, friend of sinners, break our hearts for what breaks Yours

And I was the lost cause and I was the outcast
Yeah...
You died for sinners just like me, a grateful leper at Your feet

I haven't been blogging much lately because I started journalling again and as much as I love writing everything twice, it was getting kind of meh.  So that's why I haven't been as consistent.

I've been trying to find Save the Dates, Invites and a first dance song for Josh and I.  It's been a very long, interesting time.  I am pretty sure I have the invites I want and everything so that makes me happy :)  And now I'm just trying to find a first dance song...

Soooo....a friend of mine got engaged and was showing off her ring the other day.  Being engaged myself, I asked to see her ring.  It was kinda....yellowish and really didn't sparkle much at all, despite the fact that it was 1.5carats.  I looked at it and very smugly said, "Oh, that's nice. would you like to see mine?"  And then I proceeded to wave my far superior, sparkly ring in her face.

And I didn't feel bad about it at all ;)

I love my ring.

I love my future husband :)

Oh. My. Freaking. Gosh.

I'M ENGAGED!!!!

You can read all the glorious details here:
johnsonchinnery.ourwedding.com

I am soooo happy!!

I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!  I get to see Josh tomorrow!


I'm only a little excited...

So I definitely thought I would end up on academic probation this semester but somehow didn't!  My only concern is that my major's gpa is low (1.99) and I don't want to get kicked out of my major.  I think that as long as I bring it back up, I should be good - but I just pray they give me at least another half a semester to prove that I am academically capable of completing the material.  I think that I'll be fine but...who knows?  It's USAFA after all haha...

Josh comes out in three days and I am so excited to see him.  I have't seen him (or rather, won't have seen him) in seven weeks when he gets here.  AND it's for my Ring Dance!  So I'll be getting my class ring, seeing the love of my life, and we're going to go look at some wedding venues.  I am really, really excited to be with him again.  I mean, we can talk over Skype and Oovoo but it's not the same, at all.  There's something so unreal about that which makes me desire actual face-to-face contact and communication.

He said he wrote me a letter - it should be here today if he sent it on Thursday so I should probably go check my mail to see where it is and if it has arrived yet.  Like I said, I'm sure it has but who knows?

Trying to find the perfect smoky eye makeup tutorial to follow for Friday when I'm getting all made up for Ring Dance.  I am soooo excited!!!

Josh is here in three days!!!

So Josh got approval to come out for Ring Dance!  I'm so excited to see him in eight days - it's going to be absolutely amazing.  I am dying to see him again and give him a HUGE hug and a very long smooch...

Had my last final today and am officially finished with my junior year of my undergraduate career!  I have one more year left; two semesters worth of finals.  I am SO happy.  It's going to be awesome.

Summer is here - time to relax and to party :)

If Josh gets approved to come out for Ring Dance, I will get to see him in 24 days!  I am SO excited, it's crazy.  I just want to be able to hug him again.  I miss having him in my arms.  Not like...sex in my arms.  Just holding in my arms.  I really like having him hold me.  It makes me immediately feel safer and like nothing bad could ever happen.  :)

The semester is almost over - thankfully!  I am so tired of studying right now.  I need a break.  And I will be so glad when next year is over.  It's my senior year next year and, after I graduate, I get to marry Josh and go live with him (hopefully!).  (I love how everything is dependent on the Air Force, my job and my base...sigh.)

I'm going to go try and watch some videos for engineering math now - trying to figure out the Fourier Transform thing...

So, I am so entirely in love with Josh that my life is like...fully about him. It doesn't matter what I am doing in life - I just want Josh there.

So, I've been trying to avoid thinking too much about wedding stuff because I don't want to be predicting my engagement to Josh. I want Josh to propose when he wants to propose and not because I said something... It's...challenging. He keeps making little comments which he knows will get a reaction out of me which is annoying because I am TRYING to be well behaved.

Had acrylic nails done today. I feel very sexy, feminine and empowered. I love it!!

Mouth is doing better. Left side really hurts; right side almost healed.

Wish I had a letter from Josh. I'd rather he just wrote me rather than send me a package of sorts but...whatever.

Semester is ALMOST OVER (thank God!). Lesson 34 of 40 today. Can hardly wait :)

I had my wisdom teeth pulled yesterday. My mouth is pretty swollen and my throat is very dry. I'm kinda...meh. My head is aching but I can't take any more motrin... sigh. I kinda wish Josh were here to take care of me but I understand he has to be in Mississippi studying. He's putting together a care package for me but I'm kinda...stuck on it. Like, I appreciate his thoughtfulness but I don't understand why he is sending me a care package. Part of me feels like he's sending it to me because I sent him one and I think that's silly. He shouldn't be sending me a package just because I sent him one. But, Josh will be Joshish and I have to let him...

My mouth is so annoying. My left hand side was a lot harder to do apparently and also apparently, I was highly emotional the entire way through. AND, my bone is highly dense.

Uhghhhhfakljflads I hate my mouth right now. And I abhor the taste of blood. It's disgusting.

I'm thinking about getting a tattoo. JJJ on the underside of my ring finger but...idk. I'm not entirely sure yet. Maybe, maybe not.

I'm getting my wisdom teeth pulled tomorrow. I'm SO NERVOUS!

Spring break came and went. Only a few more lessons left until I am FINISHED with this year and almost done with USAFA. My summer academics class is scheduled to be Astro which will be fun. :)

On top of that, I got to see Josh again :) It was only for about 30 hours but it was still awesome and I was really happy to see him!

48 days until ring dance!!

So recognition is almost over. The freshmen have been doing well so far. We had 10 fall out but 9 of them have returned. The one kid has been doing a very difficult job.

The best part was when we had like 10 upperclassmen yelling at this one frosh. One kid was like "I have a torn ACL and I can wall sit longer than you can!" and another guy was like "I'm on a FORM 18 and I can do this better than you. A FORM! 18!" It was amazing. The form 18 guy had the frosh do a shake weight which was hilarious.

I'm hoping Josh's letter arrives today. I think it will but I'll be quite upset if it doesn't. :) I get to see him in two weeks though which is fantastic!!

Just finished doing all but two homework problems from my materials science class since the last GR. I really shouldn't let myself get behind. I think it's about time for me to take a quick, 1 hour nap, followed by engineering math homework until...whenever. I feel so unmotivated to really do work which is probably because I don't actually have a reason to...besides getting homework done. :)

I should also do some studying for my probability and stats as I have a quiz on Thursday. It's really nice not having to worry about anything much this week though. I just have two quizzes and an essay to focus on. Not really much at all. :) Makes me super happy.

Only thing that is really annoyingly on my mind right now: Joshua. It's frustrating that we haven't talked much this weekend. Oh well...life goes on...

Tried on my ring dance dress and shoes yesterday and danced around the room. It was fantastically fun :) Makes me highly motivated to lose weight for the dance.

Which is why Colby and I have joined myfitnesspal and are dedicated to getting in shape. We're both strictly doing 1400 calories a day AND are planning on working out every T-Day. We both are members of 24hr Fitness and are highly motivated to get in shape. We're both planning on dropping about 15lbs by ring dance - 18 May. Two months, definitely possible. I'm also focused on getting super in shape for my PFT/AFT 11/12 April... or something like that. Which means cutting 2.5 minutes off my run time and getting from 20 pushups to 50 pushups....Life continues.

Time to grow on in life.

Oh life....how do I loathe thee...sometimes...

I really need to study and have exactly zero motivation to do that. I mean, my prog gpa was MUCH too low but I can't really seem to bring myself to buckle down and study my butt off. I think I'm so distracted with television and stuff. This weekend I plan on spending some time watching television and then dedicate about an hour or so each to doing engineering math, probability and statistic, engineering mechanics, materials science research and fluid mechanics. I might even dedicate some time to machine design...

I was kinda looking forward to a quiet weekend but my roomie has decided to stay here this weekend. Normally, I wouldn't mind but I sort of wanted some time to myself...maybe she'll go to her sponsor house or something. I'd like to just turn on music, dance naked and then study laying on my bed or whatever... It'll be interesting.

Two more classes until the day is over and I'm quite thrilled. I think I'll take a nap after I finish school. I was going to go for a run but I really need sleep. I can run tomorrow sometime - probably better to do it then anyway as it will give me a break during the day... So, life continues for me.

Josh apparently wrote me a letter and then went and bought some stamps so he could mail it to me :) I'm really excited now. I love mail and I can't wait to get a letter from him. I think I'll also dedicate some time this weekend to answering my mail which I haven't answered yet - letters from Josh, my mom, Dave, my sponsors, etc. It'll be quite fun.

I haven't had a weekend to do whatever I want in so long - I quite literally cannot wait. SO EXCITED.

Josh left for UPT today. I'm really sad and spent most of last night bawling my eyes out. Managed to get through most of today without crying but everytime someone hugged me or whatever, I didn't think I could hold it all in. I almost cried in Mitchell Hall when someone, not knowing Josh had left, made a slightly insensitive comment. And....yeah. I feel like half my heart has disappeared. :/

Prog came and went. I had a 2.09 GPA which is MUCH lower than I would want but still higher than I expected. I was anticipating a 1.96 so the 2.09 made me quite happy... If I get a 3.5 GPA this semester, I'll be on Dean's list. Difficult but possible. As long as I do a TON of work. I need to basically get A's on the rest of all my assignments from here on out and get really good grades on my final exams.

Lots of exciting things happening in my life right now. I just need to finish some homework for tomorrow :)

And he's leaving in like 10 days. I'm kind of concerned that I'll be a complete and utter mess when Josh leaves for Columbus but I'm sure it will work out. We're trying to plan visits and such: him to DE end of March, him to CO middle of May, me to WA July, me to MS October.... But still. It'll be highly unfortunate that he won't be here. And weekend visits won't be enough. Oh! me to MS in November. :)

I got like 5.5 hrs of sleep last night and am barely functioning right now. I'm eating and watching TV while trying to stay awake. I'm sitting Command Center right now so I have to stay up. However, as soon as I finish CC, I'm going back to my room, changing into blues and passing out for 30 minutes or so... I hope I can stay awake during the closing ceremony but I honestly don't have much hope haha... Ah well...c'est la vie.

So, Josh started IFS on 4 January. It's been a rough month for me without him meeting me for coffee, calling me everyday, etc. It's really given me a chance to realize just how much I unintentionally have grown to rely on him. I used to think that I would be perfectly fine if anything happened and that when he left for Columbus, it'd be sad but not terrible. At this point, however, I'm already planning trips to visit him while he's at pilot training. It's actually going to be somewhat terrible... I miss talking to him, I miss seeing him but most of all, I miss hugging him. Not even doing anything, just standing there with my head buried in his chest and his arms wrapped around me. It's so comfortable and makes me feel safe and at home.

Which is another thing I've grown to realize. I'm equally at home with Josh as I am with my family. He's become so much a part of my life that I consider him my family. I consider him to be one of the most important parts of my life, right up there with my family. I would do anything for him, as I would my family, in a heartbeat.

How sappy and romantic. This is terrible.

School is going well. I'm enjoying my classes and seem to be doing relatively well. Yet again, this semester people seem to think I'm an incredible genius with a 3.something GPA. Surprise, no. However! I think there may be a chance that I could get above a 3.0 this semester if I really work hard. I believe I could probably pull an A in my philosophy class and also in my probability/stats and failure analysis class. I think I'm looking at a B for machine design and fluid mechanics. As for engineering math and materials science... I'm not really sure. Probably a low B/high C in engineering math. As for materials science...it all depends. I really don't know for sure.

I've been watching "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" (2009 version) with English subtitles. It's very interesting and I'm actually really enjoying it. I think they did a great job in keeping it true to the book. The sexual abuse scenes weren't too obscene either. I mean, it was obvious and disgusting what was happening but they kept it relatively within bounds of common decency.

Tomorrow is Friday followed by the weekend. I can't wait! Hopefully, I'll get to see Josh :)

After a glorious Christmas break, I have returned to USAFA. I'll write about my break in another post. This one will be more emotional ;)

I have been a huge mess of emotions lately. I have quite literally cried everyday in the month of January. It's rather upsetting because I'm not the emotional, crying sort. I just notice Josh and my relationship changing and it saddens me. We've gone from cadets together to a cadet/officer to now, a long-distance relationship where I cannot talk to him on a regular basis. It's especially difficult now because my family is on a cruise and I cannot talk to them either. So, I am, to a certain extent, all alone.

Of course, I'm really not all alone. I've been praying a lot more lately and listening to more Christian music and reading my Bible every night. All things I had fallen away from doing since break began. Just realizing that I have this need to be with people and connected has forced me to draw closer to God and embrace His love and greatness. One of the songs I've been singing to myself a lot lately (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2JR-fUGf-k&feature=related) is "In Christ Alone". The part where it says "my comfroter, my all in all, here in the power of Christ, I stand."

Life continues.