So, my husband is deployed. I've read a million blog posts about deployment and all the emotions and everything and yet it feels so surreal. I keep having to remind myself that he isn't coming home in a few hours, he isn't going to be home this weekend, etc. It's tough. And I'm tired of faking it. I definitely thought that I was prepared for the battle and I'm realizing I'm not. And it sucks.
You know what? They tell you that "the depression" sets in about the 3-4 week stage. What they don't tell you is that "the depression" involves being ticked off at everything and everyone, that little things - like a burnt out lightbulb, in my case - make you cry, and that all you want is your husband home. They don't tell you that you will know you have to work out, you will know that you need to eat, you'll know that you need to take care of yourself but all you want to do is curl up in a quilt and cry into your wedding photo album. They don't tell you that you'll watch an entire TV season in one day because you can't stand to have the house quiet.
I can't imagine how much harder and easier it would be if I had kids. It would suck because I would have to be strong for them; it would be easier because I would be busy taking care of them. Right now, I've finished my class and I have zero distractions and that makes me mad. I just want to be with my husband again.
I know that my deployment situation is NO where near as bad as other women's, I know that I really don't have it bad at all. I know these things...but I don't care. I don't care that you haven't seen your hubby in almost a year, I don't care that you haven't talked to him in two weeks, I don't care. I know that sounds harsh, but I'm being honest. I'm hurting and I'm so unhappy that I can't dig myself out of the hole that I feel like I'm in. I'm not even any where close to any of my family so I literally feel like I'm all alone in the world.
It sucks.
But....
I have hope. Tomorrow is another day closer to him being home. Thursday marks us being into double-digits (finally!) I get to talk to him (skype!) tonight and I get to see my family for the first time in like three weeks tomorrow. And I am going home to my family for Christmas. So even though I can't spend Christmas with my husband, I can spend it with my siblings, parents and my recently widowed grandfather. And that will put it all back in perspective. And when I get back to my house in the middle of no where in January, it will only be like 75 days until he gets home.
And, no matter what, through it all, I find myself growing closer to God. I get mad at Him for separating us for a time but I know it's helping me to grow. I know I need this chance to learn how to live by myself. I thank God that He has given me this chance at the same time as I yell at Him for choosing now. However, through it all, He is faithful. He will always be with me and that's what's important. Him. Focusing on Him.
You know what? They tell you that "the depression" sets in about the 3-4 week stage. What they don't tell you is that "the depression" involves being ticked off at everything and everyone, that little things - like a burnt out lightbulb, in my case - make you cry, and that all you want is your husband home. They don't tell you that you will know you have to work out, you will know that you need to eat, you'll know that you need to take care of yourself but all you want to do is curl up in a quilt and cry into your wedding photo album. They don't tell you that you'll watch an entire TV season in one day because you can't stand to have the house quiet.
I can't imagine how much harder and easier it would be if I had kids. It would suck because I would have to be strong for them; it would be easier because I would be busy taking care of them. Right now, I've finished my class and I have zero distractions and that makes me mad. I just want to be with my husband again.
I know that my deployment situation is NO where near as bad as other women's, I know that I really don't have it bad at all. I know these things...but I don't care. I don't care that you haven't seen your hubby in almost a year, I don't care that you haven't talked to him in two weeks, I don't care. I know that sounds harsh, but I'm being honest. I'm hurting and I'm so unhappy that I can't dig myself out of the hole that I feel like I'm in. I'm not even any where close to any of my family so I literally feel like I'm all alone in the world.
It sucks.
But....
I have hope. Tomorrow is another day closer to him being home. Thursday marks us being into double-digits (finally!) I get to talk to him (skype!) tonight and I get to see my family for the first time in like three weeks tomorrow. And I am going home to my family for Christmas. So even though I can't spend Christmas with my husband, I can spend it with my siblings, parents and my recently widowed grandfather. And that will put it all back in perspective. And when I get back to my house in the middle of no where in January, it will only be like 75 days until he gets home.
And, no matter what, through it all, I find myself growing closer to God. I get mad at Him for separating us for a time but I know it's helping me to grow. I know I need this chance to learn how to live by myself. I thank God that He has given me this chance at the same time as I yell at Him for choosing now. However, through it all, He is faithful. He will always be with me and that's what's important. Him. Focusing on Him.
